Stop Making Sense

May 26, 2014

Every once in a while, Cavebot must implore journalists to watch their words. This time has arisen once again: in the wake of another mass killing at an educational facility (need I tell you what lesson we ought to be learning?), I keep being told that Americans are trying to ‘make sense’ of the murders. What is the ‘sense’ that we hope to ‘make’ of this brutality? The problem is that logic must be reshaped if this insanity is going to have any part in it. Let me recap what has happened these past couple of centuries: violent conquest of continent, unforeseen weaponry when granting specific rights, culture of alienation and acclimation towards violence, periodic mass-killings in competitive society pitting its members against each other. There, that’s the sense we can make of it. Anything else is begging for increased double-think abilities because honesty about what is going on hurts too much.

So please, holster your weapons, try not to think about your shitty job, try not to think about the meaninglessness within the cult of individualism, and try not to think about your tiny cock.


Happy Birthday, and Thank You

May 24, 2014

Just a reminder, take his advice:
“Bow down to her on Sunday,
Salute her when her birthday comes…”
This advice applies to the man himself, Mr. Bob Dylan, who celebrates his 73rd today. After all he’s done for us, keep him in mind.
“…for Halloween get her a trumpet,
and for Christmas, get her a drum”.

Europeanized Bees

May 20, 2014

We’ve all heard about the threat of the Killer (or Africanized) Bee. Much less talk is devoted to the devious Europeanized Bee. This bee is historically known to invade other bee hives, often Africanized hives, and capture those hives’ inhabitants. The captured bees then work the flowery plantations for the benefit of the Europeanized bees. The Europeanized bees enjoy the king’s share (or in this case, the queen’s share) of the honey, leaving only enough to ensure the Africanized bees can continue to work the flower fields. The captive bees live in their own, separate, certainly not equal, hives.
This lesson in apiary history brought to you by Citizens for Responsible Terminology.

Cavebot Says:

May 19, 2014

If you think getting vaccinations is dangerous, you should try getting polio. Or measles. Or mumps. Or cervical cancer. Or smallpox. Or typhoid. Or…

What’s Your Sports IQ?

May 14, 2014

I was recently approached by the Sports Players Association Studying The Intelligence Coefficient (SPASTIC), and they commissioned me to analyze the comparative intelligence of athletes practicing various team sports. I have completed my analysis, and the results should not be shocking to anyone who is both honest and in possession of a functioning brain.

With one being the lowest and ten being the highest, the average intelligence for the players is as follows:

American Football: 0.9
Soccer (Football): 2.3
Hockey (Ice): 2.4
Baseball: 2.6
Rugby: 5.1
Basketball: 8.9

Remember, these numbers are comparative averages. There will always be cases of a savant (generally of the idiot type), even perhaps in the NFL (still patiently researching that one), but these figures are based on true intelligence. I did not, as others, turn to standardized test scores or GPAs–nonsense, as anyone will tell you. I instead used a subtractive evaluation, measuring a lack of moronic attributes.

Rumor Has It…

May 11, 2014

Who started this rumor? Step up and have the courage to say that you are the one who started spreading this lie–telling people that I, Cavebot, was actually MODOK. I took these two snapshots of MODOK, and I promise you, he (it?) looks nothing like your host:


He may be more handsome than I, but he’s also…disproportionate. Please, cease. I am not, nor have ever been, MODOK. Thank you for your attention.

Vergil describes Rumor:

monstrum horrendum, ingens, cui quot sunt corpore plumae,
tot vigiles oculi subter (mirabile dictu),
tot linguae, totidem ora sonant, tot subrigit auris.

Get Yourself Some Olaf

May 10, 2014

Raise your drinking glasses and put on your reading ones, friends! He who propelled his mind through time, the great writer Olaf Stapledon, would have celebrated his 128th birthday today. His imagination is of such great power that it seems to be a physical force. This year, I recommend for you who are lucky enough to find a copy, Darkness and the Light. Learn the paths we may follow, we humans of today who are but tomorrow’s cavemen. Thank you, Olaf, today and forever.


May 9, 2014

Just because Cavebot wanders the paths of time doesn’t mean he was not born of woman and man. Cavebot has parents. They are married. They got married because they loved each other; they have stayed married because they still love each other. The marriage was entered into freely and willingly, as were the roles each plays in the marriage. The children they had were each born of love.
I have lately read about school-girls abducted by cowards. I have also read how these girls have been forced into marriage with their captors. I have read similar things about 9 year old girls being given in marriage in other places. I find this offensive. I also find it offensive that the word ‘marriage’ is used in these cases. Are we so delicate that we can read about such foul evil, but cannot call the matter by its true name? Marriage is what my parents have. What these girls are victim of, this is not marriage. This is sexual slavery, this is domestic slavery. The men who hold them, who rape them, who force their will on them, these are not husbands. They are slave masters. They disgust all humans who have souls. I ask journalists to show some courage, and do as Menander suggests–call a fig a fig. This would not be ‘losing objectivity’, nor ‘editorializing’. This would be honesty, an honesty that should be easy to come by when faced with the blatant evil of the enemies of humanity.

Crazy (Weather)

May 7, 2014

Since I make excursions all over the time-lines, people come to me quite often here in this early-21st century to ask about climate change. “Is it real?” they ask. I’m no scientist, I’m a chrono-voyageur, a tourist of a different sort. “What do your scientists say?” I respond. And the fear in their eyes…

Yes, I have seen the consequences of HUMAN CAUSED climate change. You have, too. Remember how you were wondering what was up with all the crazy weather?

I cannot reveal the future to you, bleak as it may be, for the future I see is not destiny. I’m not talking in terms of an alternate-universe theory, but the workings of time are complicated. What I can tell you is that climate change as it is now occurring (and worsening) can be faced in three general ways:

1. Action through lifestyle changes. This means a major alteration in the way you live and the way society is organized. This means: more telecomuting to work; longer obligatory vacations, so international travel by boat is possible; service rather than goods-based economies (you’ll have nicer stuff, just less of it); darker cities at night; widespread vegetarianism; etc.

2. Inaction: the most likely route. This will result in massive suffering: water wars; population displacement; starvation; epidemic disease; civil violence; etc. Centuries of regression before humanity sets foot on a new path of progress.

3. Genocide: as entire countries develop, their populations will want what the developed world has enjoyed for at least the last half-century. For climate change to be slowed, this is not possible without the most extreme lifestyle changes in the developed world. That being highly unlikely, excuses will be found, if they are even necessary, for the systematic destruction of entire populations through war, disease (or withholding of treatments), mass-sterilization, etc. Do not think this does not already occur, just on a lesser scale. The question is already being asked: Which will you sacrifice– some luxury and comfort, or your brothers and sisters in another part of the globe? It does come down to that, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

You may now return to your iScreens.

Sporting Choices

May 5, 2014

Being temporally fluent, let’s say, I am often sought after for my supposed objectivity. Recently, many have come to me wondering which team to support in a two-team town. For reasons which aren’t entirely clear, I always know who deserves your enthusiasm. Here are your instructionsn North American version:

1. New York: Mets (as opposed to the best team money can buy), Jets (because it rhymes with Mets, and they have a better logo), and the Nets (because they’re not the Knicks).
2. The Bay Area: the A’s (just ’cause), the Niners (everyone loves a miner), and the Warriors (only game in town).
3. Los Angeles: for baseball, neither (ain’t no such thing as Angels, and the Dodgers have Dodger fans); for basketball, neither (they’re in the same conference as the Nuggets, history’s most supreme team all sports considered).
4. Chicago: the White Sox (because the Cubs have Cubs fans).

I hope this helps you. Cavebot would like to remind you, friends, less time spent caring about your sports means more time caring about things which are consequential. Remember, fan is short for fanatic, and all things in moderation…