Archive for April, 2007

Just one kiss…

April 29, 2007

In honor of International Allegory Day, I present you with the story of the neighborhood pizzeria. You see, you live in a neighborhood with a lot of pizzerias. Perhaps one of them is your favorite, while at the same time you can recognize the qualities of others (their crust is better, they have better sauce, and those guys know that camembert doesn’t belong on pizza). And then there is that one pizzeria you’ve walked past hundreds of times, but for whatever reason, you’ve never tried. They’ve invited you in, but you have declined (it was the moment, your cravings were elsewhere, you’d just had a snack–you know the excuses you choose to use). Let it be a rule of thumb: try that joint. Think of the tears and frustration if, after years in your neighborhood, you eat there on the day you’ve packed up and moved house, and it turns out to be the best. Not just among the better ones– the best. Hundreds of pies have gone done your gullet, and now, as you prepare to say goodbye for good and move across town, to another town, out of the country even, you discover who the real master is, the one whose pizzas sing to your sad heart. This allegory brought to you by a young cavebot who thought you should perhaps consider this…

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On Causality and Colossea

April 27, 2007

It might be confusing, perhaps, when you have not been to a ‘time-zone’ that is either before your birth or after your death, so let me simply state a temporal law: causality is bi-directional. It may be counter-intuitive to current chrono-knowledge, but sometimes, the effect necessitates its causes. And with this in mind, I bring you great news: there is, in the future, but still as real as the air you just breathed, a Colosseum in Africa, the World Colosseum (known colloquially as the New Colosseum). It is a marvel, a place for the unifying power of competition (none of this modern destructive competition). In order to come into existence, which it shall and thus must, it needs your support. It is the effect, the people of the world the cause. Go find out for yourselves. One of these Internet Tubes will take you there: worldcolosseum.org or newcolosseum.org. There you will get your first glimpse of what the people of the future already know: the World Colosseum is a wonder.

Physical Manifestation of the Soul

April 25, 2007

All that bile and venom finally takes its toll:

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Revealing the Future

April 24, 2007

Since being time-wrecked here in the 21st century, I have decided that the authority of the Time-Travellers’ Code and Conduct Act (TTCACA) no longer applies to me. Thus, with great joy in my heart, I can reveal to you that history will consider the Denver Nuggets the Greatest Sports Team ever (tous sports confondus). Their victory over the San Antonio Spurs on Sunday night (and why a team from Texas is part of an American league, I will never understand) is a minor milestone on the path to the Glory That Will Be Theirs. Allez les Nugs!

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Question Time

April 23, 2007

A reader asks:

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To which I respond:

Saturday. But what are you doing here in my toilet, sniffing my piss?

Using Booze in the War on Drugs

April 22, 2007

It is often quoted in reports on the combination automobile/alcohol (and both are prominent here in the early 21st century) that alcohol is in some way involved in 50% of all automobile fatalities. There is a corresponding statistic, never mentioned, hidden to further demonize booze: automobiles are involved in 100% of all automobile fatalities. Who’s the bigger culprit? We know who’s in it for the long haul: when all the fuel to power all those engines is gone, people are really going to need a drink.

Now let’s look at drugs, something there is a War on currently. In all my temporal wanderings, the people who have the most issues with drug consumption, those who seem least able to control their desires, are the Americans, the same people who don’t have legal drinking until the age of 21 (most cavepeople would have never lived long enough to take a sip) . Beyond the moral vacuity of American materialism, and the utter boredom it creates, by hindering young adults from obtaining booze, you push them towards drugs. I have nothing against drugs, far from it: when my people were first experimenting with time-travel, you can bet your secret stash that drugs were involved. But in order to learn to use both drugs and booze responsibly, with a bit more moderation than many currently seem capable of, I propose this solution: lower the drinking age. There are judicio-ethical reasons to do this, I’m not going to get into all of that. If you want to fight drug abuse, start by renouncing the fight against youthful boozing.

Doesn’t Mean Shit

April 20, 2007

So many people knew it was a bad idea, an immoral idea, an indulgence of greed and folly, and these people weren’t silent. They said, Don’t fucking do it. Yet the agenda was set, all statements about alternatives being pursued were fallacious bones tossed to the masses. And yes, the masses were right: invading Iraq was stupid and wrong and has played out at least as badly as anyone had thought it would. And saying, I told you so? It doesn’t mean shit. Or rather, whether the perpetrators had been forewarned or not, it means: 600,000 lives destroyed, national treasure emptied into pools of blood and shrapnel, misery for millions, and disgust and heartbreak at humanity’s inhumanity for billions. It’s a monolith we’re up against. It has no ears. Its only sensory organ is its mouth–feed yourself to it or be ignored. When it has fed on everything and out of the shit and ashes of such wasted potential (here I’m talking about humankind), anyone saying I told you so will be laughed at by the universe.

Colorado Dethroned

April 19, 2007

(Denver, Colorado) AP–Its eight-year reign is over, and the people of Colorado are devastated. Monday morning, before most Coloradoans were awake, a lone gunman brought Colorado’s place at the top to an end when a 23-year old student opened fire on a Virginia campus and killed 32 people before ending his own life.

“In your face, Colorado!” said one Virginian. “You had your time at the top, and now it’s us. Go Hokies!” Colorado spent eight years in the number one spot, following Littleton’s 1999 Columbine massacre title-grabber, in which 13 died before the two killers turned their guns on themselves. “Eight years is a good run. Really, we couldn’t ask for anything more. Nothing’s forever, and now we’ve just got to move on, rebuild, and see what the future holds for us,” said Colorado’s Governor, in a bold attempt to express optimism after the unexpected loss of the title.

“I say that we’re still number one,” said a long-time Colorado resident. “Look, it’s not even the same division. Columbine is a high school, Virginia Tech is a university. If the Broncos play my kid’s pee-wee league team, is that really fair competition?”

Virginians, however, would not let their triumph be diminished with excuse-making. “We did it with one guy. He even took a break between killings to go to the post office. Colorado, no wonder they lost it. It took them two guys, their bombs didn’t work, they showed mercy. They could have posted higher numbers, and they blew the opportunity.”

There still remains some optimism in Colorado. “We’ve produced these kinds of victories before, and there’s no reason we can’t again,” said Colorado’s Attorney General in an official statement. “All it takes is social isolation, class divisions, an industrial-style educational system, and the wrong guy. We’ve got all those things out here in colorful Colorado. Throw in some police incompetence, and you’ll see Colorado regain the crown in no time.”

In the meantime, it’s Virginia’s hour in the sun. “Right now, we’re the Champs. We rule!” a Virginia senator declared to the cameras. So, what’s Virginia’s strategy for the future? “That’s still undecided. Do we sit back and see what our competition has to offer, or do we take a more active stance in making sure we retain the title?” asked one sheriff. “It’ll take a lot of bodies to beat the record we set on Monday, and whether it’s Virginia or another state, whoever can come up with all those bodies will deserve the crown as much as we do today!”

Unnecessary National Antagonism

April 18, 2007

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Hey, Welsh Dragon! I hear Finnish Lion has been talking shit on you. You going to take that? You can’t just turn your back on it–it happened and the problem isn’t going away until you deal with it. And no, you can’t sing your way out of this one. What’s that, you drunk feline Finn ? What’re you roaring about now? Nobody took your vodka away–you spilled it on yourself. Try sucking what’s left of your bottle out of your mane.

Alternate Mail System

April 17, 2007

aquamail-g.gifThis should provide those of you who prefer to transmit messages by fish with another way to reach me.