Archive for May, 2007

Perry White, Pimp-in-Chief

May 31, 2007

Digging through my archives, I came across a nice little gem that reveals the real dynamic at work in modern journalism. As the old saying goes, “I’m as objective as my Corporate Masters permit”:

Pimping Lois Lane

Correction of faulty logic: the Right to a Free Press does not, on this or on any parallel world, mean that the press will be without bias. If anything, it suggests that bias will abound because the press is free to express it. This Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Society to Sabotage the Memory Hole.


The Brain Tourists

May 30, 2007

Don’t be confused by the title of this message: I am most certainly not talking about these intellectuals who go spend their holidays examining other lands and studying their cultural artefacts, or even those who travel to distant libraries to devote holiday time to scholarly pursuits. I’m literally talking about Brain Tourists–floating central nervous systems equipped with a tongue, two eyes, and a 35mm camera+flash. You will not see them, but they are there, observing us in our cities, taking pictures of us to take back to their home dimension. That’s right: you have probably appeared in a snap-shot, seen by the Brain friends of some Brain tourist at their Brain dinner parties. Ironically, the only reason I know of their existence is because I accidentally photographed one. You can imagine my surprise when I picked up my own vacation photos and found this amongst them:

Brain Tourist Color

This was shot on the increasingly hard-to-find Crayolachrome, known for its fine-grain and enhancement of all images to their purest, most primitive (and thus realest) form. Note the Baby Blue eyes of this Brain Beauty.

Special Announcement: Cavebot Photo Contest! Send in your photos of Brain Tourists and win dinner for two (you and me) at some fancy joint. As a time-traveller, I already know the results of the contest, but don’t let this fact lead you down the cynical path of predetermination.

“Hey, my divine hands are tied. Sorry. Really.”

May 29, 2007

One day while I was out cruising the time-ways, checking out our ancestral cuties, I ran into a massive rainstorm. It seems some lightning opened a space/eternity vortex, and the next thing I knew, I was soaking wet, standing in the marble halls of Heaven. I was most assuredly seen as a trespasser, considering I was both still alive and a heathen, and so I was taken by a cohort of angels to see “El Jefe”.

It turns out we both have a lot in common: I don’t believe in free will, and neither does the Omnipotent Creator of the Universe. You see, although he created the system, God must abide by its rules. Ever since the fall of mankind and the creation of Hell, God had had no choice but to send all souls to the pits upon their death. This didn’t make God happy, but hey, what’s a Supreme Being to do? Well, eventually he found an out:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

And so, ever since the nails and the thorny crown, people have a chance of joining God in Heaven. All they have to do is meet a single requirement. Not really much to ask in exchange for eternal paradise, no? And what better way to prove that he “so loved the world” than only condemning some of its inhabitants to an eternity of pain, torture, and suffering. Now that’s love! And each individual has a choice in the matter–not even God can make that choice. He’s just following his own rules.

N.B. There is an apocryphal version of the biblical text cited above, which reads: “For God was such an asshole that he set mankind up to fall, then as punishment for the inevitable fall, created a region devoted specifically to inflict ultimate, eternal suffering, reserved for all except those whose fear pushes them to have no other choice but to fulfill the only out available to avoid Hell’s tortures, namely the equating of a politically-motivated execution with salvation.” Because of its lengthiness, this version fell out of favor for the shorter, more child-friendly one.


May 28, 2007

The other day (from my subjective perspective) was Bob Dylan’s 66th birthday. Well done, Bobby.

For any youngsters out there who may pick up what Dylan’s laying down, may I recommend this to you:

Instead of going on some crazy spending spree getting the complete discography, go easy, and get whichever album Dylan made when he was your age. In later epochs, this will be common, preventative psychological treatment. (For example, this year, I’ve been listening to Street Legal (pirated version); I’ve been listening to this record for years, but this year, more.) This method will reveal the harmony between Dylan age X and you age X. For example, in the song New Pony, Dylan sings:

that god that you’ve been praying to

is going to give you back what you’re wishing on someone else

showing that Dylan, like me, was thinking about Theological Thermodynamics at this age.

This message was paid for by Dylan’s Almost Out of Coke and Needs Your Cash, You Parasites! Enterprises.

Baked Doppler

May 27, 2007

Did you ever wonder why you couldn’t hear the radio waves being transmitted without a radio?

What you hear are sound waves, a physical bombardment of the eardrums by matter.

What you see, and what the radio receives, are electromagnetic waves.

Both, in an act of harmony between matter and energy, experience the Doppler effect.


And today I have physically joined Matter and Energy and this Doppler phenomenon together, in a cake. I will call this cake “Blueshift”, as it started red but ended blue. As the cake was red at one time and blue at another, a pair of analglyphic (red/cyan) glasses should allow you to see time as a three-dimensional object , if you peer at the cake across time and the glasses properly filter the bi-chromo-chronastic cakes.3-d-glasses-traditional.gif

Substitute ‘the past’ for ‘red projector’ and ‘the present’ for the ‘blue projector’ and ‘cake’ for ‘rocket’, and the illustration shows how this system allows you to see the Future in 3-D! For the oposite effect, take a blue crab and drop it in boiling water (or, for the sake of the crab, take my word for it). It turns red–the redshift meaning that it is moving away from us temporally. The Future approaches and the Past recedes. For more on this, see my book, “Raspberry Cakes are from the Future, Crab Cakes are from the Past: Cooking Your Way Across Time” (out of print) and its sequel, “Too Many Chefs Spoil Temporal Displacement and Corporeal Rematerialization: Hanging Out in God’s Kitchen” (not yet in print).

Your so-called science

May 26, 2007

I like me some science with my myth, so take the advice of this illustration of a man:


These are some of the habits you may wish to develop:

1) play more than you work

2) don’t shit where you eat

3) drink more water than you want to

4) avoid industrial poison, whatever the state (gas, liquid, solid)

5) chill

Don’t rely on just any myth–Rely on Scientific Myths!

This message is an advertisement paid for by The Guy in the Illustration (also known as The Debunker).

Radio Free Hematopia

May 25, 2007

Intercepted during a live broadcast from the World of Science:

“Blood is a sub-set of the set of those things which are most useful when kept circulating within the body!”

The reporter continued: “It’s true–it’s usefulness is drastically reduced when outside the body, except in a few cases (blood donation, scabbing, vampire sustenance). So remember, keep your blood, and the blood of others, inside, where it can do what it’s supposed to. Dermal Integrity=Good; High- and Low-Velocity Metal Invasion of Body=Bad.”

This message is not a live broadcast. It is the transcript of a live broadcast, emanating (at an unknown time) from the World of Science (in an unknown location), overheard by the author of the transcript. Cavebot retains all Earth copyrights of this transcript, and hereby seizes the World of Science copyrights, its own laws permitting, in all languages, including Mathematics: the Language of Science.

Jinx or Hi-Jinx?

May 24, 2007

I was reading the news out of Canadia this morning, and I came across this article:


First of all, it must be said, the reporters up in Canadia are incredible–able to acurately report the subjects’ thoughts.

April is upset, feeling that her wishes, expressed as prayer, have been fulfilled: she called upon God to bring a tree down on the new house, and God did her bidding. Is God performing April’s Hi-Jinx for her? Is this one of April’s powers that we didn’t know about before?

Or, perhaps more likely, it is the power of the jinx, the word made flesh. Only known neutralizer: touching wood*. Striking less often than coïncidence, the unpredictible jinx provides us with the opportunity to assign blame based on an ante factum confession:

“I hope you don’t get that job.”


“Well, I didn’t get that job. Thanks a lot, Jinxy.”

Beware the Jinx Master, someone who by uttering their desires can trick forth the power of the jinx. Such a person comes too dangerously close to being a Master of Reality.

Either way, whether April inadvertantly tripped a jinx wire or if God is her Dupe, she must be educated to have very few wishes, no ambition, and all anger must be drugged away. Only a docile creature can handle the reins of God; only as a mild breeze can jinx be tolerated, for its potential tempests would be devastating.

*Ironic, eh? The wooden tree “knocked” the wooden house?

Look for more like this in my upcoming academic article, “The Humor of the Jinx: Accidents and the Visual Pun” in la Revue des études négligeables.

Five Halloween Costumes I’ve Worn

May 23, 2007

1. Devil, Life’s Sweetest Reward, 1973

2. Frankula, the Were-Mummy, The City That Love Forgot, 1992

3. The Mad-Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, Patria mea, 1994

4. Watermelon, Greeley of France, 1999

5. Zeus, 27N 82W, 1988

This list does not contractually bind me to be the person disguised as such on a given year in a given place, nor the nicknames to be for the cities you think. Alphabetical order is contractually binding.

In Case of Emergency…

May 22, 2007

Health Crisis! State of Medical Urgency! The more you work, the less time for other essential activities you have. For example, time allocated to nourishing yourself is diminished. To perform the same action in less time, the action must be done faster. Fast Food. It’s fast because a large amount of the mechanized work is done off-site; the rest is done in the moments beforehand, and involves quick heating and the momentary packaging. The nocivity of this food is the equivalent of a slow-acting plague. It touches our individual bodies, and the body collective. This plague is one of the emergencies facing the world known as this modern world. In case of emergency, break glass:


the tasteless atmosphere is further degraded, the insurance tires of paying for replacement panes, a sense of unwelcomeness envelopes the establishment and it eventually packs up. Hopefully with nowhere to go.