Archive for June, 2007

Cavebot Versipellis

June 12, 2007

My nature is changing. Do not yet know the source. The grand unified theory is on its way. It will be wrong.

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Political Economics

June 12, 2007

First Postulate: If money gets to decide, it always chooses itself.

Slipped into other research zone. Will return shortly.

There is a parallel world…

June 7, 2007

…where Batman and Robin subsist on meager hours and some assistance from the state. He is like family, so Alfred remains in their employ, begrudgingly sometimes. He does, however, have his own residence (seen in the photo below). It is unknown what menace they face:

The date is unreadable in the lower left corner.

I ain’t got time for no metaphors–give it to me straight, God!

June 6, 2007

Newsflash (this news is getting older as you read it) ! A wing of the anti-illectualist party has opened a museum for believers and seekers of the inane! That’s right, there’s now the Creation Museum in Kentucky, just across the river from Cincinnati, where people can go and explore the wonders of biblical literality.

Straight from the Didja Know? Department:

1) Fossils were planted by the Devil himself? Lucifer is just trying to confuse you with evidence, when all you really need is faith.

2) Scientific knowledge has not progressed since the time when the Bible was written. Newton? Nullified! Darwin? Dismissed!

3) The earth is really quite young, as is the universe. You may have thought that light travels at a constant speed, and therefore light emanating from points at incredible distances might show the universe to be not 6,000 years old, but really upwards of 15 billion years old. You are wrong! Those stars are practically neighbors!

4) For a while, it was unclear as to which ancient account of creation we would give credence–that of Genesis, or Book I of Ovid’s Metamorphoses. After much consideration of the “evidence” of these two poetic visions, a coin (ten sesterces) was tossed and it came up heads (Diocletian). The rest, as they say, is (questionable) history.

For more information on this, please refer to this poll and have a look at this info-toon (“God’s Blunders”). This¬† message brought to you by The Public Treasury and “Math is hard and never took away anyone’s fear of death”.

Where is my mind?

June 5, 2007

Because no one has dared to ask, I present you with the list of What A Young Cavebot Thinks About Most, in descending order:

1) This one girl

2) My research

3) Upcoming meals

4) This other girl

5) The correction of unjust socio-economic systems

Do you have thoughts as well, these pesky things that enter our minds mysteriously, of unknown origin, and occupy the days of our brain? What are these ethereal invaders? What is the source of their seemingly unlimited energy? Why are they perpetual, and not intermittent? What are you wearing? Do you have a boyfriend? So many questions…

House Guest

June 4, 2007

Greetings, Friends. If I’ve been a bit incommunicado lately, it’s only because I’ve been devoting my time to a house guest. That’s right, The Green Guy is in town, and we’ve been hitting the sauce with complete abandon. It’s possible that my old friend will be able to correct whatever has been wrong with my neural pathways that’s been keeping me stranded in your advanced, primitive society. His technique is unusual, but as usual with him, it involves lots of alcohol. I don’t have any photographs of us together, as my camera isn’t equipped with a self-timer, but here’s a little snapshot of him, sitting in his wooden crate that serves as both a vehicle and bedroom:ooze-it-green-guy-rubber-monster.jpg

The Green Guy sends his love to everyone, everywhere (he was a bit drunk when he said that–ten minutes later he was telling me to go to fucking hell). Stop on by if you want to say hello; I recommend that you bring a beverage–he can actually get rather violent if you show up empty-handed.

History’s Great Hypothetical Battles!

June 2, 2007

(N.B. The following take place in the conditional, not in the indicative.)

1) Hitler On Speed vs. Drunk Stalin : in tonight’s first battle, we have History’s most famous Piece of Shit, Adolph, hopped up on eightballs, go head-to-head against ‘Stumblin’ Joe Stalin, in a highly-disputed match in highly-disputed territory–the back streets of Warsaw!

2)¬† Zeus vs. Odin: will the Olympic Letch be able to retain his crown against the one-eyed fightin’ Norseman? Who will reign over all of Midgard? The answer after a battle we like to call “Whom Gods Destroy…”

3) Our headline event: “La Lutte des Losers!” That’s right: History’s Weakest Warriors, sad fucks whose inabilities are only matched by their idiotic evil. The combattants revealed at last: It’s George W “I’d call him a chimp but I like monkeys too much” Bush facing his hell-spawn master, Dick “If you look at me and don’t see evil dripping off of me, you’re fucking blind” Cheney. To juice it up, we’re giving Fucknut a bottle of Beam and a baseball bat, and his unworthy adversary a loaded shotgun–if he shoots you, Georgie, you’d better apologize! For the loser–Death! For the winner–well, death as well. That way we all come out winners.

Let’s get ten things straight

June 1, 2007

Ten things you should know before we go any further:

1. I already told you my given name.

2. If you’re that worried about it, go see a doctor.

3. My favorite game is “Would you rather?”.

4. It’s not all meaningless–it’s worse.

5. Supplies are running low–that’s called entropy.

6. I’ll tell you how I feel about you, but don’t ask what I think of you.

7. I don’t use a time ‘machine’, so no, you can’t borrow it.

8. In the future, you will be unable to say anything un-euphemistically.

9. Time is not linear nor cyclical–it is the creation of a particle moving with infinite acceleration.

10. I will not travel to next Saturday to get you the lotto results. Unless.

***Free Bonus Thing***

If you’re going to drink beer, don’t bring wine to the party.