Archive for March, 2014

One Thing At A Time

March 30, 2014

If I were better at The Reduction (i.e. Al Gebra), I could describe the curve of the hot new fashion amongst you car-drivers. Let’s just say it’s steep and getting steeper. No more suspense, you short-attention-spanned knuckleheads. What am I on about? Hit-and-Run!
It seems it’s an activity, as old as the chariot, that is currently ‘trending’, and I’ve got an explanation. Since the dawn of the Automobile Age, people have had a few too many before driving. Not often enough, but still often, they could manage to arrive without causing disaster. Why? Because the penalties for drunk-driving are severe enough to make “No, it’s cool, I can drive, it’s not that far” concentrate like mad. (About those penalties, keep this in mind, you’ll need this for later: drunk-driving is punished more severely than hit-and-run).
Well, this old system of concentrating worked for a long time, and the victims of drunk driving accidents over all the years of the Automobile Age probably number in the low millions (I’m telling you, it could have been worse). The problem now is that we have entered into a new age! That’s right, we’re now in the Screen Age.
And here in the Screen Age, having to drive while intoxicated can’t distract us from our screens (and I’m not talking about our windscreens).
So I’ve got my iScreen in my hand while I’m trying real hard not to get busted for drunk-driving, and wham! some pedestrian pretty much just jumps in front of my car. At this point I’ve got two options:
1) Stop to see if my victim is ok; here, I risk getting busted for drunk-driving or
2) Take off and risk getting busted for hit-and-run.

I opt for #2. Why? Think back–because the penalty for hit-and-run is less severe!

“Driving” is a translation for “Controlling thousands of pounds of steel and glass moving at high velocity amongst other fast-moving, heavy objects”. You can’t do it while trying to act like you haven’t been drinking. You can’t do it while playing (yes, playing) on your iScreen. One thing at a time, baby. Easy does it.

Terminology and Balance

March 29, 2014

From my omni-chronic perspective, whole decades can seem like flashes. For this reason, in nothing but a seeming flash, a new term has entered the economic narrative (and we know who the story-tellers are!). I refer to the upper-classes referring to themselves as ‘job-creators’. Cute!

Now, for the sake of balance (without which, the present risks to slip back into the past–you know what I’m saying, Rockefeller!) I declare that is fine, let them call themselves ‘job-creators’ if that–along with whiskey, ‘scripts, and human-trafficked blow-jobs–helps them sleep at night. The workers, though, getting back some balance, shall be referred to as ‘Wealth-Creators’. It’s easily just as accurate, without needing to remind you all of primary resources, value-added, etc.

So, Mr. Wealthy, don’t you be forgetting who created that wealth (which you love), just as we won’t be forgetting who created that job (which we…have–if we’re lucky in our precarity).

This message brought to you by “Commentary isn’t journalism–if you don’t pay for your news, you’re going to pay in a much worse way than cash”.

The State of the Strip

March 25, 2014

The American newspaper comic strip has, unfortunately, sunk into an embarrassing degradation. Can it rise again before the newspapers themselves fail and we see our democracies crumble before they ever became true?

Having my unique pan-temporal perspective, I understand as well as any of your academics that art’s evolution is linear–art isn’t “progressing” they way human knowledge does. But how did we get from Little Nemo (over a hundred years ago), Flash Gordon (over 80 years ago) and Peanuts (over 60 years ago) to Luann, Zits, and Sally Forth? It makes my one good eye cry to see the comic strips of today. I’ve been reduced to making several excursions into the past to get me some Ziggy and Barney Google & Snuffy Smith: even strips whose characters look like testicles are better than today’s fare!

Many current strips do not appear actually to be drawn by artists, but rather are issued from a wicked, retarded xerox device. The censorship so obviously being applied makes me ask the question: which authority limited the types of strips allowed? From my survey of this year 2014, it seems all strips must show:

a) the tender conflict between parents and their children;

b) the lovable orneriness of cats and the lovable dimness of dogs; or

c) the resigned subjugation of the American worker.

I can assure you that there comes a day (humor, being era-sensitive, clouds my future-sight, so I can’t say exactly when), but yes, there comes a day when it will be acknowledged that hating your mother-in-law and wanting to play golf are not jokes. There is no more humor in noticing that teenagers seem to eat a lot than in realizing your wife has gone shopping again. Stop!

Word to the newspaper editors: you are not just catering to the lowest common denominator; you are the lowest common denominator. Run good comics, sell newspapers; (continue to) run bad comics, and watch your newspapers die. Are you proud of yourselves for playing your part in the coming rise of totalitarianism?

Did somebody ask for seconds?

March 24, 2014

Ahh, sweet relativity–to you (if you’re out there) I was away for years, nearly seven; to me, it was only seconds since I last wrote here. I felt myself slipping into the chronosphere, but I slipped back, as if jarred out of oncoming sleep by a muscle twitch. I guess I have some catching up to do. How exactly is the 21st Century going? Everybody over that cel phone thing by now? The free market has been declared an utter failure? Major action has been taken to slow down climate change? I can’t imagine the world otherwise, seeing how humanity is the flower of the universe.