Archive for the ‘Pizza/Food’ Category

Baked Doppler

May 27, 2007

Did you ever wonder why you couldn’t hear the radio waves being transmitted without a radio?

What you hear are sound waves, a physical bombardment of the eardrums by matter.

What you see, and what the radio receives, are electromagnetic waves.

Both, in an act of harmony between matter and energy, experience the Doppler effect.

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And today I have physically joined Matter and Energy and this Doppler phenomenon together, in a cake. I will call this cake “Blueshift”, as it started red but ended blue. As the cake was red at one time and blue at another, a pair of analglyphic (red/cyan) glasses should allow you to see time as a three-dimensional object , if you peer at the cake across time and the glasses properly filter the bi-chromo-chronastic cakes.3-d-glasses-traditional.gif

Substitute ‘the past’ for ‘red projector’ and ‘the present’ for the ‘blue projector’ and ‘cake’ for ‘rocket’, and the illustration shows how this system allows you to see the Future in 3-D! For the oposite effect, take a blue crab and drop it in boiling water (or, for the sake of the crab, take my word for it). It turns red–the redshift meaning that it is moving away from us temporally. The Future approaches and the Past recedes. For more on this, see my book, “Raspberry Cakes are from the Future, Crab Cakes are from the Past: Cooking Your Way Across Time” (out of print) and its sequel, “Too Many Chefs Spoil Temporal Displacement and Corporeal Rematerialization: Hanging Out in God’s Kitchen” (not yet in print).

Pastblaster

May 18, 2007

I ran into an old friend today, someone else stranded here in the early-21st century, but he is from not another time but another planet, Le Monde des Krabbenmenschs. Here is an artist’s representation of a painful (but tasty) episode of his life. Bon app├ętit!

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His last act was to request pizza for the homeless, and still, he did not deserve his life?

May 12, 2007

Although they are all excellent, and I agree with them, I refuse these arguments against the death penalty: that race and class are factors in its application; that it is not a deterrent to violent crimes; that the lex talionis is religious law and has no place in secular statute; that an innocent person may be executed; that the appeals process and eventual execution are actually more expensive than a simple life-sentence. Make these arguments if you must, but may I suggest that we make the only argument that should be necessary: it is wrong to kill. Man is a creature endowed with soul, and that creature shall not be unnaturally deprived of its existence. “When you kill a man, you kill the world.” Stop this sin–now.

And yes, I’ve heard all of these already:

“how can you defend monsters?” think of freedom of speech: it is not there to protect people who say things such as “Puppies are cute” or “The square root of 25 is 5”.

“they didn’t think of that when they were committing their crime.” but the murderer’s opinion on that matter does not change the fact that it is not within our rights to take life.

“what if someone you loved was the victim?” then my life would suck. more blood would not change that.

Deprive the worst of their freedom; they have shown that others are not safe if they are at liberty to spread their carnage. But do not propagate the blood-shed. Violence breeds violence, at all stages of the system.

Two Secrets

May 11, 2007

Dear friends, today I will give you two little keys to Cavebot’s heart. I ask that you not share this information with any of my ChronoEnemies, who may alter the very fabric of vegetal DNA or popular culture simply to see me deprived of two of life’s minor pleasures. Here we go:

1. I love berries. If it’s a berry, I love it.

2. Add the prefix “Franken-” to anything, and I’m all ears.

So imagine my wonder when, one day, while out galavanting in the seedier parts of time, I discovered that these two loves of mine had joined together. “I shit thee not” (Leviticus 36:4)! Look for yourselves at the product of their union:

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These things are frankenfuckingtastic! And I got the scoop: while serving overseas, General Mills, commanding officer of a detached unit of Special Ops and Ed, encountered a certain Franken Berry. Upon retirement, the General enlisted Mr Berry to help market a new breakfast “cereal”, created in a cloning laboratory using actual genetic material from the monster*. To complete the holy trinity, two brother cereals joined the line: Boo Berry (it has yet to be determined whose ghost this Boo Berry is) and Count Chocula, the first aristocratic endorser of a children’s breakfast cereal. For a short while, there was also Fruit Brute, a werewolf with a sweet tooth, but he could only be counted on for public appearances one day a month, and the General eventually gave him a discharge (honorable). Contrary to all empirical evidence, these products are fit for human consumption.

*Thus, this product is not suitable for vegetarians–a warning the hippy-bashing General failed to put on the package.

Cheeses

May 3, 2007

The first in an ongoing series of Five Favorites (with a tip of the hat to 5ives, a most excellent site by the wordsmith Merlin):

1. Pecorino Romano

2. Cheddar

3. Rocquefort

4. Mozzarella

5. Gouda Cumin

Micro-Molds from the Pastryverse

April 14, 2007

I’ve invented a cake, and that reminded me to remind you that, when making a cake, put the dry ingredients in last, and as soon as the flour etc. is incorporated into the batter, stop fucking with it. Give it a few minutes of repos, so the salts can absorb some of the liquid and get it full of bubbles. Then the liquid is baked out of the bubbles; the texture is deceptively light. My cake tonight, I substituted some of the flour with dried, grated coconut, which I lightly toasted and then added a (healthy) shot of Cointreau, and let that steam away slowly. There’s also loads of lemon juice in it. I made it in four different micro-molds. Cooking time varies based on form.

“de gustibus non est disputandum”, but still…

April 8, 2007

There are places where it is common, and seen as acceptable, to put an egg on a pizza. This often happens in places where you can see dogs in restaurants. Let the dogs stay (everbody has to eat), but keep the eggs away from the pizza. You want eggs and cheese together? Try a quiche. The egg is usually cracked onto the pizza after the pizza has been in the oven for a while. This requires opening the oven, thus reducing the interior temperature of the oven and increasing cooking time. Usually the pizza is considered done before the egg has fully cooked. Runny eggs literally turn my belly; I prefer burnt to any liquid egg. I’ve heard the egg called the crown on the most regal of foods. Keep this intruder away before its unwelcome presence dethrones pizza, the king of food. Do you want to hear the story of the guy who ordered a quattro formaggi with an egg and mushrooms? I’m sorry, I can’t tell you…just remembering it brings on the depths of despair and fills my head with the horrible images of a paradis perdu.