Archive for the ‘“Science”’ Category

Europeanized Bees

May 20, 2014

We’ve all heard about the threat of the Killer (or Africanized) Bee. Much less talk is devoted to the devious Europeanized Bee. This bee is historically known to invade other bee hives, often Africanized hives, and capture those hives’ inhabitants. The captured bees then work the flowery plantations for the benefit of the Europeanized bees. The Europeanized bees enjoy the king’s share (or in this case, the queen’s share) of the honey, leaving only enough to ensure the Africanized bees can continue to work the flower fields. The captive bees live in their own, separate, certainly not equal, hives.
This lesson in apiary history brought to you by Citizens for Responsible Terminology.


Cavebot Says:

May 19, 2014

If you think getting vaccinations is dangerous, you should try getting polio. Or measles. Or mumps. Or cervical cancer. Or smallpox. Or typhoid. Or…

What’s Your Sports IQ?

May 14, 2014

I was recently approached by the Sports Players Association Studying The Intelligence Coefficient (SPASTIC), and they commissioned me to analyze the comparative intelligence of athletes practicing various team sports. I have completed my analysis, and the results should not be shocking to anyone who is both honest and in possession of a functioning brain.

With one being the lowest and ten being the highest, the average intelligence for the players is as follows:

American Football: 0.9
Soccer (Football): 2.3
Hockey (Ice): 2.4
Baseball: 2.6
Rugby: 5.1
Basketball: 8.9

Remember, these numbers are comparative averages. There will always be cases of a savant (generally of the idiot type), even perhaps in the NFL (still patiently researching that one), but these figures are based on true intelligence. I did not, as others, turn to standardized test scores or GPAs–nonsense, as anyone will tell you. I instead used a subtractive evaluation, measuring a lack of moronic attributes.

Crazy (Weather)

May 7, 2014

Since I make excursions all over the time-lines, people come to me quite often here in this early-21st century to ask about climate change. “Is it real?” they ask. I’m no scientist, I’m a chrono-voyageur, a tourist of a different sort. “What do your scientists say?” I respond. And the fear in their eyes…

Yes, I have seen the consequences of HUMAN CAUSED climate change. You have, too. Remember how you were wondering what was up with all the crazy weather?

I cannot reveal the future to you, bleak as it may be, for the future I see is not destiny. I’m not talking in terms of an alternate-universe theory, but the workings of time are complicated. What I can tell you is that climate change as it is now occurring (and worsening) can be faced in three general ways:

1. Action through lifestyle changes. This means a major alteration in the way you live and the way society is organized. This means: more telecomuting to work; longer obligatory vacations, so international travel by boat is possible; service rather than goods-based economies (you’ll have nicer stuff, just less of it); darker cities at night; widespread vegetarianism; etc.

2. Inaction: the most likely route. This will result in massive suffering: water wars; population displacement; starvation; epidemic disease; civil violence; etc. Centuries of regression before humanity sets foot on a new path of progress.

3. Genocide: as entire countries develop, their populations will want what the developed world has enjoyed for at least the last half-century. For climate change to be slowed, this is not possible without the most extreme lifestyle changes in the developed world. That being highly unlikely, excuses will be found, if they are even necessary, for the systematic destruction of entire populations through war, disease (or withholding of treatments), mass-sterilization, etc. Do not think this does not already occur, just on a lesser scale. The question is already being asked: Which will you sacrifice– some luxury and comfort, or your brothers and sisters in another part of the globe? It does come down to that, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.

You may now return to your iScreens.

Statehood and Aspect Ratio

April 15, 2014

Reporting from the year 1876:

I came in for a landing (I won’t even try to explain the chrono-geography of time-travel) above the high plains east of the Rocky Mountains. It struck me that no geological feature provides insight into the borders of the Union’s newest state, Colorado. As the Western Lands were parcelled into territories (and subsequently states), it is apparent that the delimitations were arbitrary.
Or were they?
I know my mathematics. I performed a school-boy operation of division, and have had my suspicions confirmed. Colorado is the harbinger of a new age. Is this, as the rush of miners might suggest, a new Golden Age? Far from it. A few short decades hence, and the prognosticative indications of Coloradan borders will be clear. What am I on about?
Aspect Ratio! Colorado’s ratio of width to height:


finds itself so neatly nestled between the two nearly-identical aspect ratios (actually, rationes) which dominated the 20th Century and have led to the format whose hegemony over our minds is complete. Yes, my device-obsessed blockheaded friends, I am talking about TV Screen/Computer Monitor and Cinema film standards.
If you know your mathematics, you can verify this.
Colorado, by its very geometric shape, revealed to unseeing eyes the advent of the age which is upon us.
The message couldn’t be clearer:
Turn off your screens and look at the land.

I ain’t got time for no metaphors–give it to me straight, God!

June 6, 2007

Newsflash (this news is getting older as you read it) ! A wing of the anti-illectualist party has opened a museum for believers and seekers of the inane! That’s right, there’s now the Creation Museum in Kentucky, just across the river from Cincinnati, where people can go and explore the wonders of biblical literality.

Straight from the Didja Know? Department:

1) Fossils were planted by the Devil himself? Lucifer is just trying to confuse you with evidence, when all you really need is faith.

2) Scientific knowledge has not progressed since the time when the Bible was written. Newton? Nullified! Darwin? Dismissed!

3) The earth is really quite young, as is the universe. You may have thought that light travels at a constant speed, and therefore light emanating from points at incredible distances might show the universe to be not 6,000 years old, but really upwards of 15 billion years old. You are wrong! Those stars are practically neighbors!

4) For a while, it was unclear as to which ancient account of creation we would give credence–that of Genesis, or Book I of Ovid’s Metamorphoses. After much consideration of the “evidence” of these two poetic visions, a coin (ten sesterces) was tossed and it came up heads (Diocletian). The rest, as they say, is (questionable) history.

For more information on this, please refer to this poll and have a look at this info-toon (“God’s Blunders”). This  message brought to you by The Public Treasury and “Math is hard and never took away anyone’s fear of death”.

Baked Doppler

May 27, 2007

Did you ever wonder why you couldn’t hear the radio waves being transmitted without a radio?

What you hear are sound waves, a physical bombardment of the eardrums by matter.

What you see, and what the radio receives, are electromagnetic waves.

Both, in an act of harmony between matter and energy, experience the Doppler effect.


And today I have physically joined Matter and Energy and this Doppler phenomenon together, in a cake. I will call this cake “Blueshift”, as it started red but ended blue. As the cake was red at one time and blue at another, a pair of analglyphic (red/cyan) glasses should allow you to see time as a three-dimensional object , if you peer at the cake across time and the glasses properly filter the bi-chromo-chronastic cakes.3-d-glasses-traditional.gif

Substitute ‘the past’ for ‘red projector’ and ‘the present’ for the ‘blue projector’ and ‘cake’ for ‘rocket’, and the illustration shows how this system allows you to see the Future in 3-D! For the oposite effect, take a blue crab and drop it in boiling water (or, for the sake of the crab, take my word for it). It turns red–the redshift meaning that it is moving away from us temporally. The Future approaches and the Past recedes. For more on this, see my book, “Raspberry Cakes are from the Future, Crab Cakes are from the Past: Cooking Your Way Across Time” (out of print) and its sequel, “Too Many Chefs Spoil Temporal Displacement and Corporeal Rematerialization: Hanging Out in God’s Kitchen” (not yet in print).

Your so-called science

May 26, 2007

I like me some science with my myth, so take the advice of this illustration of a man:


These are some of the habits you may wish to develop:

1) play more than you work

2) don’t shit where you eat

3) drink more water than you want to

4) avoid industrial poison, whatever the state (gas, liquid, solid)

5) chill

Don’t rely on just any myth–Rely on Scientific Myths!

This message is an advertisement paid for by The Guy in the Illustration (also known as The Debunker).

Radio Free Hematopia

May 25, 2007

Intercepted during a live broadcast from the World of Science:

“Blood is a sub-set of the set of those things which are most useful when kept circulating within the body!”

The reporter continued: “It’s true–it’s usefulness is drastically reduced when outside the body, except in a few cases (blood donation, scabbing, vampire sustenance). So remember, keep your blood, and the blood of others, inside, where it can do what it’s supposed to. Dermal Integrity=Good; High- and Low-Velocity Metal Invasion of Body=Bad.”

This message is not a live broadcast. It is the transcript of a live broadcast, emanating (at an unknown time) from the World of Science (in an unknown location), overheard by the author of the transcript. Cavebot retains all Earth copyrights of this transcript, and hereby seizes the World of Science copyrights, its own laws permitting, in all languages, including Mathematics: the Language of Science.

Are we what we are?

May 20, 2007

Ever since arriving here in the 21st century, I have been experiencing a strange feeling, as if my brain were operating more smoothly and methodically than normal. I theorized that somehow, my travelling through the time-waves had somehow realigned my neural networks, giving them a temporal lube-job, if you will. I wanted more information to either support or rework my theory, so I went to the finest brain-trust this century has to offer, the “Cerebral Research Archival Project” research labs. They performed scans on me using a unique, patented technique called “35MM-MWO” (meaning they have hooked a normal SLR camera up to a microwave oven). The results of these scans–shot on Tri-X, set at f/5.6 on Defrost for 45 seconds–were startling, to say the least. Have a look for yourselves:


I’m no expert in human physiology, yet this doesn’t seem normal to me. My cognitive abilities don’t seem to be hindered, quite the contrary: I’m thinking faster than ever and KWNG (“The Wing”) out of Tulsa is coming in better than ever. Still, I’m a bit worried. It’s not just my physiology that has been brought into question, but my epistemology as well.