Archive for the ‘Self-Amusement’ Category

Let’s get ten things straight

June 1, 2007

Ten things you should know before we go any further:

1. I already told you my given name.

2. If you’re that worried about it, go see a doctor.

3. My favorite game is “Would you rather?”.

4. It’s not all meaningless–it’s worse.

5. Supplies are running low–that’s called entropy.

6. I’ll tell you how I feel about you, but don’t ask what I think of you.

7. I don’t use a time ‘machine’, so no, you can’t borrow it.

8. In the future, you will be unable to say anything un-euphemistically.

9. Time is not linear nor cyclical–it is the creation of a particle moving with infinite acceleration.

10. I will not travel to next Saturday to get you the lotto results. Unless.

***Free Bonus Thing***

If you’re going to drink beer, don’t bring wine to the party.

The Brain Tourists

May 30, 2007

Don’t be confused by the title of this message: I am most certainly not talking about these intellectuals who go spend their holidays examining other lands and studying their cultural artefacts, or even those who travel to distant libraries to devote holiday time to scholarly pursuits. I’m literally talking about Brain Tourists–floating central nervous systems equipped with a tongue, two eyes, and a 35mm camera+flash. You will not see them, but they are there, observing us in our cities, taking pictures of us to take back to their home dimension. That’s right: you have probably appeared in a snap-shot, seen by the Brain friends of some Brain tourist at their Brain dinner parties. Ironically, the only reason I know of their existence is because I accidentally photographed one. You can imagine my surprise when I picked up my own vacation photos and found this amongst them:

Brain Tourist Color

This was shot on the increasingly hard-to-find Crayolachrome, known for its fine-grain and enhancement of all images to their purest, most primitive (and thus realest) form. Note the Baby Blue eyes of this Brain Beauty.

Special Announcement: Cavebot Photo Contest! Send in your photos of Brain Tourists and win dinner for two (you and me) at some fancy joint. As a time-traveller, I already know the results of the contest, but don’t let this fact lead you down the cynical path of predetermination.

“Hey, my divine hands are tied. Sorry. Really.”

May 29, 2007

One day while I was out cruising the time-ways, checking out our ancestral cuties, I ran into a massive rainstorm. It seems some lightning opened a space/eternity vortex, and the next thing I knew, I was soaking wet, standing in the marble halls of Heaven. I was most assuredly seen as a trespasser, considering I was both still alive and a heathen, and so I was taken by a cohort of angels to see “El Jefe”.

It turns out we both have a lot in common: I don’t believe in free will, and neither does the Omnipotent Creator of the Universe. You see, although he created the system, God must abide by its rules. Ever since the fall of mankind and the creation of Hell, God had had no choice but to send all souls to the pits upon their death. This didn’t make God happy, but hey, what’s a Supreme Being to do? Well, eventually he found an out:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have everlasting life.”

And so, ever since the nails and the thorny crown, people have a chance of joining God in Heaven. All they have to do is meet a single requirement. Not really much to ask in exchange for eternal paradise, no? And what better way to prove that he “so loved the world” than only condemning some of its inhabitants to an eternity of pain, torture, and suffering. Now that’s love! And each individual has a choice in the matter–not even God can make that choice. He’s just following his own rules.

N.B. There is an apocryphal version of the biblical text cited above, which reads: “For God was such an asshole that he set mankind up to fall, then as punishment for the inevitable fall, created a region devoted specifically to inflict ultimate, eternal suffering, reserved for all except those whose fear pushes them to have no other choice but to fulfill the only out available to avoid Hell’s tortures, namely the equating of a politically-motivated execution with salvation.” Because of its lengthiness, this version fell out of favor for the shorter, more child-friendly one.

Five Halloween Costumes I’ve Worn

May 23, 2007

1. Devil, Life’s Sweetest Reward, 1973

2. Frankula, the Were-Mummy, The City That Love Forgot, 1992

3. The Mad-Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, Patria mea, 1994

4. Watermelon, Greeley of France, 1999

5. Zeus, 27N 82W, 1988

This list does not contractually bind me to be the person disguised as such on a given year in a given place, nor the nicknames to be for the cities you think. Alphabetical order is contractually binding.

You just have to know when to say “when”

May 19, 2007

It looks like someone had a bit too much to drink last night:

antitaurino-copy.jpg

And to make matters worse, his buddies stuck a bunch of things into him, just like drawing on your passed-out friends with a magic marker. If you’re going to run with the Big Bulls, you’ve got to learn to hold your Sangria.

Two Secrets

May 11, 2007

Dear friends, today I will give you two little keys to Cavebot’s heart. I ask that you not share this information with any of my ChronoEnemies, who may alter the very fabric of vegetal DNA or popular culture simply to see me deprived of two of life’s minor pleasures. Here we go:

1. I love berries. If it’s a berry, I love it.

2. Add the prefix “Franken-” to anything, and I’m all ears.

So imagine my wonder when, one day, while out galavanting in the seedier parts of time, I discovered that these two loves of mine had joined together. “I shit thee not” (Leviticus 36:4)! Look for yourselves at the product of their union:

box2.jpg

These things are frankenfuckingtastic! And I got the scoop: while serving overseas, General Mills, commanding officer of a detached unit of Special Ops and Ed, encountered a certain Franken Berry. Upon retirement, the General enlisted Mr Berry to help market a new breakfast “cereal”, created in a cloning laboratory using actual genetic material from the monster*. To complete the holy trinity, two brother cereals joined the line: Boo Berry (it has yet to be determined whose ghost this Boo Berry is) and Count Chocula, the first aristocratic endorser of a children’s breakfast cereal. For a short while, there was also Fruit Brute, a werewolf with a sweet tooth, but he could only be counted on for public appearances one day a month, and the General eventually gave him a discharge (honorable). Contrary to all empirical evidence, these products are fit for human consumption.

*Thus, this product is not suitable for vegetarians–a warning the hippy-bashing General failed to put on the package.

Question Time

April 23, 2007

A reader asks:

asparagus.jpg

To which I respond:

Saturday. But what are you doing here in my toilet, sniffing my piss?

Unnecessary National Antagonism

April 18, 2007

welshflag.jpg Wales Vs Finland finland50cents.jpg

Hey, Welsh Dragon! I hear Finnish Lion has been talking shit on you. You going to take that? You can’t just turn your back on it–it happened and the problem isn’t going away until you deal with it. And no, you can’t sing your way out of this one. What’s that, you drunk feline Finn ? What’re you roaring about now? Nobody took your vodka away–you spilled it on yourself. Try sucking what’s left of your bottle out of your mane.

Alternate Mail System

April 17, 2007

aquamail-g.gifThis should provide those of you who prefer to transmit messages by fish with another way to reach me.