Posts Tagged ‘MLB’

What’s Your Sports IQ?

May 14, 2014

I was recently approached by the Sports Players Association Studying The Intelligence Coefficient (SPASTIC), and they commissioned me to analyze the comparative intelligence of athletes practicing various team sports. I have completed my analysis, and the results should not be shocking to anyone who is both honest and in possession of a functioning brain.

With one being the lowest and ten being the highest, the average intelligence for the players is as follows:

American Football: 0.9
Soccer (Football): 2.3
Hockey (Ice): 2.4
Baseball: 2.6
Rugby: 5.1
Basketball: 8.9

Remember, these numbers are comparative averages. There will always be cases of a savant (generally of the idiot type), even perhaps in the NFL (still patiently researching that one), but these figures are based on true intelligence. I did not, as others, turn to standardized test scores or GPAs–nonsense, as anyone will tell you. I instead used a subtractive evaluation, measuring a lack of moronic attributes.


Sporting Choices

May 5, 2014

Being temporally fluent, let’s say, I am often sought after for my supposed objectivity. Recently, many have come to me wondering which team to support in a two-team town. For reasons which aren’t entirely clear, I always know who deserves your enthusiasm. Here are your instructionsn North American version:

1. New York: Mets (as opposed to the best team money can buy), Jets (because it rhymes with Mets, and they have a better logo), and the Nets (because they’re not the Knicks).
2. The Bay Area: the A’s (just ’cause), the Niners (everyone loves a miner), and the Warriors (only game in town).
3. Los Angeles: for baseball, neither (ain’t no such thing as Angels, and the Dodgers have Dodger fans); for basketball, neither (they’re in the same conference as the Nuggets, history’s most supreme team all sports considered).
4. Chicago: the White Sox (because the Cubs have Cubs fans).

I hope this helps you. Cavebot would like to remind you, friends, less time spent caring about your sports means more time caring about things which are consequential. Remember, fan is short for fanatic, and all things in moderation…