Posts Tagged ‘Monster Cereals’

Two Secrets

May 11, 2007

Dear friends, today I will give you two little keys to Cavebot’s heart. I ask that you not share this information with any of my ChronoEnemies, who may alter the very fabric of vegetal DNA or popular culture simply to see me deprived of two of life’s minor pleasures. Here we go:

1. I love berries. If it’s a berry, I love it.

2. Add the prefix “Franken-” to anything, and I’m all ears.

So imagine my wonder when, one day, while out galavanting in the seedier parts of time, I discovered that these two loves of mine had joined together. “I shit thee not” (Leviticus 36:4)! Look for yourselves at the product of their union:


These things are frankenfuckingtastic! And I got the scoop: while serving overseas, General Mills, commanding officer of a detached unit of Special Ops and Ed, encountered a certain Franken Berry. Upon retirement, the General enlisted Mr Berry to help market a new breakfast “cereal”, created in a cloning laboratory using actual genetic material from the monster*. To complete the holy trinity, two brother cereals joined the line: Boo Berry (it has yet to be determined whose ghost this Boo Berry is) and Count Chocula, the first aristocratic endorser of a children’s breakfast cereal. For a short while, there was also Fruit Brute, a werewolf with a sweet tooth, but he could only be counted on for public appearances one day a month, and the General eventually gave him a discharge (honorable). Contrary to all empirical evidence, these products are fit for human consumption.

*Thus, this product is not suitable for vegetarians–a warning the hippy-bashing General failed to put on the package.